Fishes/Button-ups/Mixed CDs.. always.

I guess my mind starts to pump out my heart when my blood gets cold and my skin gets wet in the rain that drizzles off my porch gutters and unto my feet. I think about everything {like everything that's pushed and pulled me to feel how I feel right. now.}

It's been the paint I wipe off my hands onto my pajama pants and the flower crowns I made on that rock in the pine trees of Arizona. They always whistle and it scares me. But enchants me. Like the nights when I believe in witches in the middle of July. And like how last night was November, with me in my pink sweater, plopping no-bake cookies on the wax paper and Clay sitting on my counter in his blue plaid pajamas. {Nobody really knows me anymore} I pretend he knows me and I talk about Timo too much. And before that, I sat on my bed and read my memories. I turned on all the lights cuz I could feel the roller coaster falling. I read through my favorite journal and I fell in love with the little girl I was only a year ago. I silently hoped Timo would fall even more in love with the grown up girl I am now. I cried for the only time yesterday as I read my heartache for my best friend and her bad decisions that I had written a year ago. {oh wait, the second time crying. I cried in front of my primary class again yesterday.} I listened as my nana and paco argued with each other some more. "Do you ever ever not think about money?" "Makes me wanna move out because I'm soo tired of it. I am sooo tired of it." She repeats things over again for emphasis and says he treats her like a child for the fifth time. I then put in my head phones. I listened to Christmas music. And then I found a list in the back of that pink journal that I made so I wouldn't forget the small things about Timo nine days after he left.

Don't forget Timo, I won't

-Spanking

-chocolate ice cream

-would sit so close to the back of the passengers seat in Daxton's car just to kind of touch my shoulder as we drove

-nose circles

-driving over sewage circles

-the ocean

-"That doesn't surprise me at all."

-pro rock skipper

-loves rocking chairs and porches

-hates bandaids & people who don't keep their word

-pro at writing 'and's like this: &

I read this. I laughed. I loooved when he'd spank me. I couldn't describe a situation where he'd spank me but it's not like how you'd think. I then watched the rain. I laid on the driveway with Breton. I remembered Tyler and how most of our friendship consists of us laying down somewhere and me talking to him. Maybe he'd be talking to me? I don't know. {Tyler... my big brother. my baby brother. my son. bosom buddy. something.} I just know I love him. The rain reminds me of summer days with Tyler and Andrew. When we played "house" in Tyler's basement. Fuzzy banana chair, cool blankets. Tyler's house always smells like my Grandma's house. old and way too clean. Clay laid on my tramp in the rain last night. I ached for Tyler and Burna and the days we'd erase ourselves from our toes to our heads. I missed "Burn and Burna". We always had 4 minutes to save the world. Clay and I searched through the VHS movies. I held Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Tyler went through a phase where he was obsessed with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I smiled. I missed my friends. I missed weird phases. Timo went through a potato salad phase. I've since adored potato salad. Our Downton Abbey phase. My mom's weird Indian/Wise men costume phase. My cyclops phase. I used to draw hideous cyclopses all through sacrament meeting. {I haven't drawn Gwen a cyclops in a looong time} I remembered Maddiey's blogging phase and how it hooked us all. I remembered the days when all I wanted was "freedom". My rebellious teenage phase where I thought of running away. where I "needed" beautiful clothes to be happy. when I died my hair blue underneath {it turned greenish-gray later}. I remembered Clay's recklessness and how we all hoped it was just a phase. Brenna and I talked about Daxton's mainstream music and how he'd always use Call Me Maybe to show off his wicked car speakers that lit up and changed colors {p-a-r-t-y-m-o-d-e woot woot.} I remembered watching Daxton punch a locker after seeing me with Russell... once again. {I hate violence. I cried.} I remember hiding behind that wall by the ceramic room and holding my breath as I listened to Daxton's friends calling me a bi***. I remember him agreeing with them. I cried on somebody's shoulder. I can't remember whose... I remembered Russell's pirates and floating islands phase when we first met. Also his obsession with fairies and sprites right before we stopped talking.

 And suddenly- my nostalgia became very sad, because I realized that I  can't remember Russell at all. If I really think hard, I can remember him but his personality is unclear in my memories. It's sad, not because I need to remember him, but... he meant so much to me at one point and because what if someday you fade too? And what if Tyler fades and Andrew fades and Maddiey fades and Daxton fades and Kaylee fades and Clay fades and even Brenna fades? What if even Timo fades away someday? How could people I love so much today fade away slowly tomorrow?? I wondered if it meant I loved them any less. So I asked my wisest friend today. She told me that it is sad, yes, but it's also happy. Because by leaving behind those memories a little that means you're making more memories and learning to love more people in stronger ways.

I'm satisfied with that answer. 

Sometimes I'm afraid of loving more people, because I wonder if someday I'll run out. If my heart will already have been stretched so far and so wide.. it can't possibly be stretched any longer. But, it hasn't happened yet. And even though I've been hurt a few times and my love has been thrown away and kicked around a bit too much, I'm still loving. People can make it hard to love others again, but ultimately, I decide who I love. I decide who I allow to hurt me. I decide when I love. how I love. and how much I love. 

And I'm not stopping. 

Because even after all of those friends I love so dearly have moved on and found greater love through their own families and other friends, I will still have a bit of them in my memories. and they'll still hold a bit of me. 

So, instead of worrying about them forgetting me in the end, I'll just focus on making sure that, when they do remember, they'll remember love. They'll remember how much they are loved. when I loved them deepest. how I showed them I loved them. and they'll remember how much I probably still do love them. I will always love them. That's a promise.