confession-s-s-s-s

To my dearest friend,

It's a been a while.

Change. Ch-ch-ch-ch-change.
I don't know what else to say. I just didn't think so much could change in seven months, yet I haven't seen me change with it.
Because I know that looking deep into somebody, you can always find their 5 year old self in them. I still believe that.
But it's not like everything has changed.

You tell me about everything. The pennies you pick up off the ground and my name written in sidewalk chalk. And when you see New York in things. The pond, the rain, and the strange stories you know only I would love.

But I haven't told you
that I got glasses.
And I know I won't like them until you say you do.
I haven't told you that I have to use hair ties now.
and that I have to wear foot insoles like you do, although I always vowed I would never.
and that I haven't been able to find you a single good skipping rock.
I didn't tell you but I now wipe off the table like you do. My mom hates it.
I haven't told you that I hate painting under the stairs with out you.
I haven't told you that they ripped down the docks at Afrelle
and that they're building a freaking house on that empty lot we liked in Alpine.
I haven't told you that my pair of our matching socks got holes in them
and that I've lost my sarcasm.
I never told you we sold the vibe.
And the van that was twins with yours.
I didn't tell you that I cried when your brother called me on your old phone.
And that my eyes haven't smiled the same since you left.
I haven't told you that I have nobody to talk all through the movie with.
I guess all people hate that.
I haven't been back to Ikea.
I haven't told you that I hate going to choir concerts, cuz I don't wanna see anyone up there but us. Yet I can't stop myself from going.
And I won't tell you this, but this boy said serving in Texas would suck. and I won't tell you that I told him you'd really hate him. I was being too honest. I know I shouldn't have been.
And I can't even tell you how much it pissed me off when my neighbor told me I'm lonely.
I'm not lonely. Loneliness is for Junior year and I freaking graduated in May. Loneliness is crap.
I couldn't make myself tell you Amanda miscarried.
I've never told you I have a new phone and number.
I haven't wished on hardly any eyelashes. I haven't told you that either.
I can't
describe
how much I miss basketball.
and Junior Jazz.
But, I can't tell you how happy I am every Monday. There's not enough trees in the world to write my happiness.
I can't tell you that I am always talking about you. Whether people realize it or not, you're always in there. I never got to talk about you before. I was always with you.
I don't tell you, but the world always reminds me of you. You have woven yourself into everything.
I won't tell you how I sometimes will just break into laughter when I remember that you and I are the craziest people I know. I'm always weird, but I loved watching you from the passenger's seat, laughing like crazy.
I realize now how you showed me how funny looking this world actually is.
I realize more that you showed me how to really laugh.
I realize some more that you will always be the greatest champion to me.
So, yes.
I'm crazy about you. But I can't tell you.
And I'm really okay with it.




It's a been a while... but even overnight used to seem like a while.


"I've stood here so many times, but put your hand in mine and it feels so different."