My heart

I need to be held right now. More than ever. But not by anyone's arms.
I need my heart to hold me. But my heart hates me tonight.
So does my head.

I only matter when my heart tucks itself into bed at night. But lately,
I've been left to fall asleep all on my own.

So I guess this is for my heart and your heart and all of the other hearts I love.
This is for God's heart that I know still holds me dearly.

This is for those hearts like mine that can never put up a long fight alone.

For the hearts that are found dusty under my bed every spring.

Those hearts shoved between my mattresses.
And especially those that a year of separation has made me forget the color of their hair.

This is for all those days I tried to tear my heart from my chest and burry it while it was still beating.

This is for all those nights where I commanded my hands to tie a rope 'n weight around my heart and watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Here is to the girls who think even their hearts are too fat to fit anywhere.
The girls who think one mistake has left their hearts a beat slower.
And the girls who stay up late with a quarter in their hands trying to fade the hickey's from their hearts.

I feel for the hearts like mine who tear themselves every direction.

Because my heart has tried to pull me under the water a few times. I know what it feels like.

There were the days when I left class to lie on the linoleum in the abandoned hallways in hopes that my heavy heart would push me through the floor. I hoped someone would miss me when they found me beneath the ground.
Yet, I was still scared that it could actually happen.
I was more scared that no one would care.


I WAS A HEAVY HEART TO CARRY.
A SLIPPERY HEART TO HOLD.
TOO FAR AWAY TO GRASP.
TOO STUBBORN TO MOLD.

So I guess this is to every heart that is laying on the linoleum:

Dear Floor,

Don't pull me under yet.
There's still time grow.
There's still love to be had.
There's still time to conquer.
There's still things to learn.
There's still songs to sing.
Still movies to watch.
Lips to kiss.
Hands to hold.
There are still people to bless.
And lives to touch.
There's still a sun to shine.
A moon to glow.
Stars to shimmer.
Leaves to fall.
Rain to pour.
And me.
There's still me and my potential.
And I don't want to miss a thing.

Love,
All my Heart and Soul